jay_moose | Post-its are love

Took a quicker walk with the dogs than i wanted to...i just wanted to wander, really. But it's freaking November in Arizona and it's 80 degrees with no cloud cover..so we got kinda hot.

Came back to find a note on the back door from mom:

"Lau-

At the pool, meditating. Call me if you need a hug."

I think..next Meetup, i'm finally gonna get myself a little buzzed. Whoo!

Grandma's been sick for awhile. Amyloidosus...emphysema..both affecting her lungs. Her breathing is getting worse and worse, so i've been talking with Mom...she wanted to prepare me for the fact that we're going to lose her very soon.

I'm happy i went to NY last month and got to see her. My brain's just kind of out of focus right now. There's the slim chance she'll bounce back after after the current hospital visit, but i've always respected that my mom has been nothing if not realistic with me, even when i was young about this sort of thing. On slim chance that she'd recover from this....it's even slimmer because i know she won't want to get better. Because that'll mean she'll be sent to a nursing home, since her assisted living can't care for someone who can't function, or needs the amount of medical assistance she does.

I've always been incredibly close to my grandmother...especially on an emotional level. I understood her through depression, hopelessness, and when she didn't understand why she just wanted to cry sometimes after her sister, my beloved great-aunt, passed.

It's weird, though. I tend to have the same reaction when i'm told someone close to me is going to die within a small amount of time. I listen, nod, feel nothing, and then comfort whoever told me.

This time, i actually cried, first, for about 30 seconds, then felt empty. Dad called about 10 minutes ago...he's in NY. He didn't see Grandma as much as me and mom since we left NY, and Grandma always tells me how much she misses her son...so his timing couldn't be better. He and my uncle are with her. Dad's not the...best...at displaying his emotions in an open manner. He told me he'd call mom later (since she's at the pool), and then added, "I'll call you later, too."

He's never said that before...anything like that.

Well.

I can tell you this...thank The-Man-In-The-Sky for animals (Invention of Lying...go see it. It's fantastic) and their intuition. Charlie's had an upset stomach, and Dillon's been getting into trouble (I'm thinking they're picking up on the stress/emotions in the household), but Charlie just jumped up next to me, laid down, and put his head next to my hand. He won't stop watching me. Dillon is curled on the back of my legs.

Comfort.

Comfort is good.

Have to go back to work in a bit...second shift. Should keep me busy. I don't want to nap now, though...i'd like to sleep tonight.

Suppose..that's it for now. I'm having a flashback...

Lauren's Flashback
a few years ago, i was with Grandma at my Papa Jack's grave (he died when i was 6 months old) and she was having a little chat with him.

"Jack," she said. "One of these days...i'm going to come. But i can't- not yet. I want to see the girls in college, and graduate...and i want to be at Jack's Bar Mitzvah. After that...fine. Not before."

Jack's my younger cousin...his Bar Mitzvah is set for early March.

Figures me and Mom saw Invention of Lying yesterday. We got a good chuckle out of the nursing home....'The Place For Sad Old People', since the movie takes place in a timeline where lying wasn't real. Everyone said the truth, no matter what. 'Cept this one guy, played by Ricky Gervais, suddenly realizes he can do this weird little thing. He can say something that 'isn't'.

Spoilerish? So...cut here.

His mom is old, and dying...and she's really scared because everyone <b> knows </b> there's nothing after death. An eternity of nothing. And in a world where lying doesn't exist, there's nobody to say anything about God or faith or beliefs.

So, after just realizing he can do say things that 'aren't'...he holds her hand and tells her that it's not the end. That all the people she's loved are waiting, and they'll be there...and she'll live in a mansion..and she'll be young and happy.

His mother dies without being afraid, because people can't lie...and if her son says this, it's absolute.

So..yeah.