(no subject)

You understood me without knowing something needed to be understood.

We were in the same boat, yet never discussed it. Hell, i don't even think you knew i knew it. I don't even think you knew about me.

But i knew more.

You battled it your whole life without help. refusing help.

but curled in your arms, i think we both knew.

we had something special.

sure, you were cranky, irritable and infuriatingly stubborn.

I was lucky enough to never really see it.

and you never really saw that side of me either, did you? the crying, the rough nights. The frustrated family. thrown objects, pulled down bookshelves.

But you never saw that...just as i never saw the negative in you.

I saw horse races and smiles. days of hair brushing and beams. Days of being held close without words. Sickness removed with a kiss on the nose. 'See? now i have your cold.'

Teasing...i was funny looking. Funny face. Never telling me i was a pretty girl, like so many others did, but you were the only one i accepted the silent commpliment from. even today.

shaking hands, i would tease. And you would take it.

Days spent meticulously combing your hair, gray brushes doused in water.

Rebellion. Racing down the hall clad in socks. 'DON'T RUN IN SOCKS!'

But see...those days are all memories.

Because you left.

Left her.

Left me.

Sometimes, i don't know how much i miss you until its brought up.

And it occurs to me..four years later..

four years ago i stopped believing in god.

because you just HAD to leave, right?

You and your silent understanding of not knowing what you were understanding.

And as i confessed to her at passover...why i didn't want to come...we just cried.

But...i wasn't comforted. i didn't feel better.

She's been depressed, and only i can be there.

Because i know you..knew you..the way she did.

I'm going to try and see you tomorrow...maybe you have some tips for me?

Just..be there, okay?

Your understanding by not understanding...i need it now. More than ever.

Because i'm hurting now. And maybe...

a kiss on the nose will make it all better.